(Indianapolis, IND.) – In a move that the NCAA defended as “completely necessary,” and “in no way associated with the hilarious tone of the penalties,” the NCAA brought out The Undertaker before Thanksgiving to help make the announcement regarding Mizzou’s Infractions appeal.
“We really just wanted to take a dump on the Mizzou fanbase before the holidays, and I think we nailed it,” NCAA President Mark Emmert told The Beet. “I mean we already stretched this announcement out for the whole season, it’s too good.”
The appearance of The Undertaker however, signaled the type of tone the NCAA was looking to convey to all of its member institutions.
“Anyone who cooperates with an NCAA investigation will be shown the true horror of their crime,” The Undertaker said. “They will Rest In Peace.”
When asked if the penalties were too harsh, Emmert replied, “Harsh? We could have shut them down. Made them pack it up. I have the power to make this whole thing disappear, you hear me?”
The announcement by the NCAA was met by a strong rebuttal from Mizzou, which of course was shit on and laughed at by the NCAA.
“Yeah we saw them cry about it,” Emmert said while at ‘The Neon Yellow River’, a new Asian male strip club two blocks from Market Square Arena. “Told one of the interns to tweet them back and bury them in legal jargon, the girl did a hell of a job. Not like these guys can do, though. Shinsuke over there can take you to heaven and he can score powder and hard.”
Mizzou now mulls what to do next, which essentially is taking the full force of the penalties. More to come.