NASCAR Announces They’re Spraying Fans for Insects, Not COVID-19

(DAYTONA BEACH, Fla.)—NASCAR has been known for its less-than-popular decisions among its drivers, and a rocky relationship with its fans as of late.

But don’t think that’s going to stop the stockcar racing conglomerate from making quick changes in the face of criticism.

“It had to be done. We’re seeing numbers from a Japanese boring beetle that should make everyone uneasy,” said a NASCAR employee that refused to give his name, but was wearing a name tag that said Matt Humphrey.

NASCAR told a press pool earlier this week that they would be allowing fans to attend races, but that all fans would have to be seated and sprayed by trucks driving by.

Assuming that the measures were for COVID-19, Talladega Raceway began making literature saying just that, but were called and stopped by NASCAR executives that explained it would be for bugs.

“And we’ve really got a lot of people to thank for helping ensure the nation’s lumber supply will be saved,” said Humphrey. “We’re estimating 47 million tons of lumber will be saved, all because of our brave fans who are contractually willing—based on the user license agreement involved with the ticket—to receive a insignificantly measurable amount of DDT, all for the sake of safety.”

Humphrey refused to disclose just how much they were going to spray, but said, “Trust me, I wouldn’t want to be a rat at the track.”

He looked down, and then looked back up saying, “But don’t worry, our fans will be totally fine, they’re the best race fans in the world and you have to admire their commitment.”

Be sure to stay with The Beet for the latest on this and many other stories.

Mike Krzyzewski Promises to Yell at “Everyone in the Arena” Ahead of Boston College Game

(DURHAM, N.C) – Duke Blue Devils men’s basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski came under scrutiny for his recent reaction toward the team’s student section. But don’t think that this recent incident has turned Coach K into a softy.

“I’m really going to turn up the heat,” Krzyzewski told The Beet at an illegal dog fight in the Hyde Park area of Boston, prior to the Blue Devils’ matchup with the Boston College Eagles on Tuesday evening.

“I’m not just going to lay into the students anymore. Concession workers, arena staff, mascots…I don’t care if you’re holding a baby, you’ve officially been put on notice,” Krzyzewski said while sipping on what is called “lean.”

His strongman attitude comes on the heels of losing a chess game to a recruit in front of the rest of his team, a match he still hasn’t recovered from.

“In fact,” Krzyzewski stressed, “before we end up leaving Boston tomorrow night, I’ll have yelled at everyone in the arena.”

Game time between Krzyzewski’s Blue Devils and Boston College is 7:00pm ET on ESPN.

Obnoxious Mizzou Fan is 1-2 in real fights. But his best material is on Twitter, where you should follow him.

NCAA to Expand March Madness Basketball Tournament to 256 Teams

INDIANAPOLIS, Ind.—With expansion being a hot topic for several years now, the NCAA decided to make a move they believe is something that was “bound to happen in the future.”

“We’re pleased to announce a level of inclusion that will see dollars go straight to our bank accounts in Bahrain,” NCAA President Mark Emmert told The Beet at a truck stop in on the outside of town. “That’s a lot of teams and a lot of tickets, which all means a lot of money for us.”

Emmert was joined by NCAA Tournament Selection Committee Chairman Kevin White at the truck stop, who ordered a pitcher of Zima and explained his excitement.

“Teams that have never been a part of the tournament before are going to experience something like they’ve never dreamed of,” White said. “If everything goes well, these deep-pocketed travel-addicted alumni will be going to a new regional site every week, hitting all the hotels we own and dining out at places where we’re getting a cut. Hello Vegas.”

It’s unsure just when the tournament will end now, but both Emmert and White didn’t seem worried.

“Hopefully we’ll be at the pool at the MGM Grand,” Emmert reiterated with a smile.

We asked what would happen if the media was requesting interviews at the time of tournament selection like they usually do.

“See, and that always kills us,” White said. “We’re going to get all that prerecorded this year. We’ll just record a bunch of scenarios and have someone edit it together and present it to ESPN as a ‘phone interview’. All the typical soundbytes, mostly talking about how a team got left out and everyone wants to cry about it.”

The changes go into effect immediately for the 2020 tournament. Stay with The Beet for the second or third most up-to-date information.

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Rapid Reaction: LSU’s Joe Burrow to Play With Ruptured Spleen, Broken Skull

NEW ORLEANS, La.—LSU Tigers quarterback Joe Burrow had some noticeable trouble, but The Beet has learned that his injuries are slightly more enumerated.

“He’s actually wearing dentures right now, they got ahold of him pretty good,” said an LSU team doctor who wished to remain anonymous. “They ruptured his spleen, broke a part of his skull pretty good, but Joe is a competitor so he’s read to go back out there.”

Stay with this article for updated LSU information.

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Rapid Reaction: Trevor Lawrence’s Hair Loses Integrity in First Half

NEW ORLEANS, La.—Clemson Tigers star quarterback Trevor Lawrence is frustrated with giving up a lead, but the worst news was delivered via his publicist who was informed by his stylist.

“It nearly looks like Trevor is using a wax-based conditioner, I don’t know what he’s thinking,” said Lawrence’s stylist who wished not to be identified. “This goes against everything we’ve worked on,” he said in a worried state.

Stay with The Beet for the most up to date news.

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Kansas City Chiefs to Scan All Ticket Holders for Bad Luck

KANSAS CITY, Mo.—Kansas City Chiefs fans don’t have to worry about the bad luck bug striking before next week’s AFC Championship Game, as the team appears to be taking a proactive approach towards superstitious threats.

“We’re going to have added security of course,” said Kansas City Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt. “But our main focus after Sunday is making sure we’re protecting our team from any type of voodoo or black magic.”

Hunt spoke to The Beet in a private interview at a booth in The Depot Saloon in Avondale, Missouri, a suburb just north of North Kansas City.

When asked what measures the Chiefs were going to take, Hunt became animated in his description.

“Well the night before we’re going to get a shaman to go around the whole Truman Sports Complex here and sprinkle some okra around. They say that drives away bad spirits. Then we’ll need a team of the best psychics and gypsies from the Midwest to sense any trouble coming in through the gates,” Hunt said.

Hunt of course refers to the self-proclaimed bad luck fan Charles Penn who voluntarily left last Sunday’s AFC Divisional win over the Houston Texans while making a live video of himself doing so that went viral.

“No, can’t risk another situation like that.”

Hunt said the Chiefs will lobby the NFL to be able to screen fans at the Super Bowl as well, should the Chiefs make it there by winning the AFC Championship Game over the Tennessee Titans this weekend.

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Astros GM and Manager Awarded One-Year Vacation for Cheating

HOUSTON, Tex— Houston Astros General Manager Jeff Luhnow and coach A.J. Hinch might normally be trudging through the typical off-season motions that are associated with their responsibilities, but that all changed for them on Monday.

“I still can’t believe it,” Hinch said. “One year vacation? We’re still World Series Champions. I can’t wait to tell people all over the world that we are still number one.”

Luhnow and Hinch both spoke with The Beet at Sensia Studio & Japanese Day Spa during a body massage appointment.

“The problem with baseball right now is all the damn rules,” Luhnow said. “It was only a problem if you were getting caught, and that’s the thing now, these sons of bitches are pretty good at catching you cheating.”

Their absence from the team will be immediate, and what still remains uncertain as to how the team will be run for the 2020 season.

“I got one word for you, that’s ‘angles’,” Hinch said in between sipping from his cocktail during his body massage. “If we see you and you don’t see us, hard to call that cheating. We’ll take the next year to surf in Costa Rica and figure out the best plan for 2021.”

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Nick Saban Starts Recruiting Michigan Prospects During Citrus Bowl

Alabama Crimson Tide coach Nick Saban usually starts his recruiting activities quickly after the season ends, but this year it appears Saban is getting started even earlier.

“He wants to set up these satellite camps in Alabama,” Saban said of Michigan Wolverines coach Jim Harbaugh. “Cool. No problem. But out of the group they invited to the game, we feel like we’re going to hit our goal of projected flips.”

Indeed, Saban walked over to a section of potential Michigan recruits and offered them each gift bags that included cash and vintage issues of Playboy magazine.

“That’s a double win, gets all these old mags out of the bathroom at home and brings joy to recruits. Just look at them,” Saban said with pride.

Although Saban’s actions are a wild violation of rules, the NCAA made an immediate statement that there would be no sanctions, but that Missouri would be penalized an additional season.

“Tell Jim I said hello,” Saban told The Beet. “But if you forget, I’m sure I’ll see him trying to recruit next to me like a starving fisherman.”

We’ll see if Saban can get any commitments in the second half.

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Lynn Bowden Gets Ten KO’s Prior to Belk Bowl, Ready for IBF Title Match​

(CHARLOTTE, N.C.) – Kentucky Wildcats all-purpose man Lynn Bowden got a little scrappy with the Virginia Tech Hokies prior to the Belk Bowl on Tuesday.

Emotions boiled over when Bowden punched several players, fans and mascots just outside of the window where he could have been ejected from the game for doing so.

“I don’t care who they throw at me,” Bowden told The Beet while on the bench during the start of the second quarter. “I don’t care what they do, they’re gonna get knocked out.”

When asked how committed he was to this new premise, Bowden stared with a cold, empty look and said, “Oh I’m about to be the new Debo.”

Bowden knocked out a total of ten people, an SEC bowl record. These numbers have gotten the attention of the International Boxing Federation.

“I mean, he’s hot,” said IBF President Daryl Peoples. “He’s got great form, he’s in incredible physical condition as well. We want him to be prepared for a title bout soon.”

Bowden couldn’t bring his level of desire in boxing to the football field, as Kentucky currently trails Virginia Tech in the Belk Bowl.

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“Yuuup!” EA Sports to Make ‘2020 Curling’ Game with Jared Allen as Cover Athlete

(Stevens Point, Wisc.) – Former NFL star Jared Allen may not ever make the cover of Madden, but he secured the top honor in the world of curling by being named to the cover of EA Sports’ inaugural curling video game, Curling 2021 on Monday night.

The United States Curling Association voted unanimously to sponsor the game, paving the way for fans to get familiar with actual curling athletes, just like they would with other sports.

“Curling runs through my blood,” Allen told The Beet. “You throw a stone, I’ll show you how to smack into it.”

Allen has experience smacking into things with his two charges of resisting arrest and DUI while in college.

“Up north, we hit stones and we do it better than anyone you know,” Allen said.

“Since I left the NFL, I’ve been looking for a way to legally get stoned,” Allen said with a straight face. “I’ll be smoking stones down the ice, and I dare Canada to try and stop me.”

Allen’s accomplishment is one that he will look to duplicate next year.