All Human Hunting Suspended Following Queen’s Death

(LONDON, Eng.) – Sport and game were so critical to the Queen of England, but nothing exeplified this more than her lust for hunting people opposed to the Occult that she was primarily associated with.

“The Queen loved Britain, but she especially loved it when Master Lucifer called her to invite world leaders and influencers for the killing of random teenagers,” said Prince Charles of Wales, who stands to control the planet on a visible scale.

“We had incredible blood ceremonies that Her Majesty was obviously a part of. Our wish for the future is to arrest all Christians and Trump supporters, bringing in a new era of Luciferian worship.”

Lucifer was actually reached for comment, stating that his plan was moving along nicely thanks to “useful idiots.”

“We will win, despite the Bible,” said a defiant Lucifer.

His political ideology has yet to prevail in a public forum, despite centuries of his visible failures.

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Every LSU Beat Writer to be Late for Southern Press Conference

(BATON ROUGE, Louis.) – In a move that the LSU writers described as “due to them” and, “about to happen every week,” The Advocate announced that all employees woud be late to head coach Brian Kelly’s press conferences following the LSU Tigers’ matchup against the Southern Jaguars this Saturday, to which other outlets agreed.

“Look, we loved Coach O, we loved Les Miles until we didn’t anymore…but this guy [Kelly] is just a negative news cycle waiting to happen,” said an local on-air network reporter, under the condition of anonimity.

“Nobody needs to be on time.”

The Beet was able to find Coach Kelly for a response, hanging out at the bar at The Radisson hotel in Baton Rouge.

“You know this was the same hotel that Scott Hall groped a 56-year-old woman at,” Kelly asked as he almost seemed to forget the conversation.

“Late? They want to be late? Let them be late, we’re starting 30 minutes later ourselves now,” Kelly said triumphantly. “We call that the old ‘South Bend Special.'”

It remains to be seen how the future press conference starts will play out, but answers are only days away. Stick with The Beet for fluid coverage of this situation.

Dan Irwin isn’t an LSU fan but he has been to both Chimes locations. Follow him on Twitter.

Premier League to Have School Children on VAR Reviews

(LONDON, Eng.) – With the wave of VAR review debacles in recent matches, the Premier League have called the FIFA-sponsored officiating tactic of video review a “farce process” and believe change in the system is imminent.

“Not only is this decision going to solve the VAR issue that’s been ongoing, but we expect it to streamline funds into educational institutions across Great Britain,” an excited EPL President Gary Hoffman said.

“These children have growing minds, untouched by drugs in most cases, and we feel their energy will help the proper calls come to the surface.”

A group only identified as “Ms. Hutchfield’s year-four class,” location unknown, have been assigned to the Manchester City-Tottenham clash on Saturday evening. Children of varying ages across Britain will be assigned to the weekend fixtures.

“Of course, the added stress of the media hounding you at home, and various fanbases wanting to rip you apart each week is something these kids will have to handle, and I think they’ll handle it well,” said Hoffman.

Dan Irwin isn’t a simp, but he wrote this. Follow him on Twitter

New York Yankees to Require COVID Vaccine IV During Game

(Bronx, NY) – In an effort to keep the vaccine concept on the forefront of people’s minds, the New York Yankees announced new safety regulations for fans watching at Yankee Stadium.

“We know a lot of these [vaccine] cards are being forged, and they’re making it through the gate,” Yankees President Randy Levine told The Beet from the lobby of a hostel near Yankee Stadium.

“We feel like this is the only way to make sure everyone is safe, and in a way that doesn’t discriminate against anyone. So everyone will be required to wear a live IV-drip of vaccine, their choice of course, but it will remain on during the duration of the game, regardless of whether it’s nine or eighteen innings.”

Levine reiterated that there would be no other options.

“Testing your way out of this isn’t going to happen. If you’re inside of Yankee Stadium from this point forward, we’ll know for a fact you’re vaccinated.”

Despite this, you will still need to provide proof of vaccination and wear a mask the entire time.

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NASCAR Announces They’re Spraying Fans for Insects, Not COVID-19

(DAYTONA BEACH, Fla.)—NASCAR has been known for its less-than-popular decisions among its drivers, and a rocky relationship with its fans as of late.

But don’t think that’s going to stop the stockcar racing conglomerate from making quick changes in the face of criticism.

“It had to be done. We’re seeing numbers from a Japanese boring beetle that should make everyone uneasy,” said a NASCAR employee that refused to give his name, but was wearing a name tag that said Matt Humphrey.

NASCAR told a press pool earlier this week that they would be allowing fans to attend races, but that all fans would have to be seated and sprayed by trucks driving by.

Assuming that the measures were for COVID-19, Talladega Raceway began making literature saying just that, but were called and stopped by NASCAR executives that explained it would be for bugs.

“And we’ve really got a lot of people to thank for helping ensure the nation’s lumber supply will be saved,” said Humphrey. “We’re estimating 47 million tons of lumber will be saved, all because of our brave fans who are contractually willing—based on the user license agreement involved with the ticket—to receive a insignificantly measurable amount of DDT, all for the sake of safety.”

Humphrey refused to disclose just how much they were going to spray, but said, “Trust me, I wouldn’t want to be a rat at the track.”

He looked down, and then looked back up saying, “But don’t worry, our fans will be totally fine, they’re the best race fans in the world and you have to admire their commitment.”

Be sure to stay with The Beet for the latest on this and many other stories.

Mike Krzyzewski Promises to Yell at “Everyone in the Arena” Ahead of Boston College Game

(DURHAM, N.C) – Duke Blue Devils men’s basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski came under scrutiny for his recent reaction toward the team’s student section. But don’t think that this recent incident has turned Coach K into a softy.

“I’m really going to turn up the heat,” Krzyzewski told The Beet at an illegal dog fight in the Hyde Park area of Boston, prior to the Blue Devils’ matchup with the Boston College Eagles on Tuesday evening.

“I’m not just going to lay into the students anymore. Concession workers, arena staff, mascots…I don’t care if you’re holding a baby, you’ve officially been put on notice,” Krzyzewski said while sipping on what is called “lean.”

His strongman attitude comes on the heels of losing a chess game to a recruit in front of the rest of his team, a match he still hasn’t recovered from.

“In fact,” Krzyzewski stressed, “before we end up leaving Boston tomorrow night, I’ll have yelled at everyone in the arena.”

Game time between Krzyzewski’s Blue Devils and Boston College is 7:00pm ET on ESPN.

Obnoxious Mizzou Fan is 1-2 in real fights. But his best material is on Twitter, where you should follow him.

NCAA to Expand March Madness Basketball Tournament to 256 Teams

INDIANAPOLIS, Ind.—With expansion being a hot topic for several years now, the NCAA decided to make a move they believe is something that was “bound to happen in the future.”

“We’re pleased to announce a level of inclusion that will see dollars go straight to our bank accounts in Bahrain,” NCAA President Mark Emmert told The Beet at a truck stop in on the outside of town. “That’s a lot of teams and a lot of tickets, which all means a lot of money for us.”

Emmert was joined by NCAA Tournament Selection Committee Chairman Kevin White at the truck stop, who ordered a pitcher of Zima and explained his excitement.

“Teams that have never been a part of the tournament before are going to experience something like they’ve never dreamed of,” White said. “If everything goes well, these deep-pocketed travel-addicted alumni will be going to a new regional site every week, hitting all the hotels we own and dining out at places where we’re getting a cut. Hello Vegas.”

It’s unsure just when the tournament will end now, but both Emmert and White didn’t seem worried.

“Hopefully we’ll be at the pool at the MGM Grand,” Emmert reiterated with a smile.

We asked what would happen if the media was requesting interviews at the time of tournament selection like they usually do.

“See, and that always kills us,” White said. “We’re going to get all that prerecorded this year. We’ll just record a bunch of scenarios and have someone edit it together and present it to ESPN as a ‘phone interview’. All the typical soundbytes, mostly talking about how a team got left out and everyone wants to cry about it.”

The changes go into effect immediately for the 2020 tournament. Stay with The Beet for the second or third most up-to-date information.

Obnoxious Mizzou Fan doesn’t believe in aliens, but has been as high as the guy on Ancient Aliens. Follow him on Twitter.

Rapid Reaction: LSU’s Joe Burrow to Play With Ruptured Spleen, Broken Skull

NEW ORLEANS, La.—LSU Tigers quarterback Joe Burrow had some noticeable trouble, but The Beet has learned that his injuries are slightly more enumerated.

“He’s actually wearing dentures right now, they got ahold of him pretty good,” said an LSU team doctor who wished to remain anonymous. “They ruptured his spleen, broke a part of his skull pretty good, but Joe is a competitor so he’s read to go back out there.”

Stay with this article for updated LSU information.

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Rapid Reaction: Trevor Lawrence’s Hair Loses Integrity in First Half

NEW ORLEANS, La.—Clemson Tigers star quarterback Trevor Lawrence is frustrated with giving up a lead, but the worst news was delivered via his publicist who was informed by his stylist.

“It nearly looks like Trevor is using a wax-based conditioner, I don’t know what he’s thinking,” said Lawrence’s stylist who wished not to be identified. “This goes against everything we’ve worked on,” he said in a worried state.

Stay with The Beet for the most up to date news.

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Kansas City Chiefs to Scan All Ticket Holders for Bad Luck

KANSAS CITY, Mo.—Kansas City Chiefs fans don’t have to worry about the bad luck bug striking before next week’s AFC Championship Game, as the team appears to be taking a proactive approach towards superstitious threats.

“We’re going to have added security of course,” said Kansas City Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt. “But our main focus after Sunday is making sure we’re protecting our team from any type of voodoo or black magic.”

Hunt spoke to The Beet in a private interview at a booth in The Depot Saloon in Avondale, Missouri, a suburb just north of North Kansas City.

When asked what measures the Chiefs were going to take, Hunt became animated in his description.

“Well the night before we’re going to get a shaman to go around the whole Truman Sports Complex here and sprinkle some okra around. They say that drives away bad spirits. Then we’ll need a team of the best psychics and gypsies from the Midwest to sense any trouble coming in through the gates,” Hunt said.

Hunt of course refers to the self-proclaimed bad luck fan Charles Penn who voluntarily left last Sunday’s AFC Divisional win over the Houston Texans while making a live video of himself doing so that went viral.

“No, can’t risk another situation like that.”

Hunt said the Chiefs will lobby the NFL to be able to screen fans at the Super Bowl as well, should the Chiefs make it there by winning the AFC Championship Game over the Tennessee Titans this weekend.

Obnoxious Mizzou Fan knows a lot of Chiefs fans are ku fans, but it’s okay because nobody is perfect. Follow him on Twitter.