(LONDON, Eng.) – Sport and game were so critical to the Queen of England, but nothing exeplified this more than her lust for hunting people opposed to the Occult that she was primarily associated with. “The Queen loved Britain, but she especially loved it when Master Lucifer called her to invite world leaders and influencersContinue reading “All Human Hunting Suspended Following Queen’s Death”
Author Archives: Dan Irwin
Every LSU Beat Writer to be Late for Southern Press Conference
(BATON ROUGE, Louis.) – In a move that the LSU writers described as “due to them” and, “about to happen every week,” The Advocate announced that all employees woud be late to head coach Brian Kelly’s press conferences following the LSU Tigers’ matchup against the Southern Jaguars this Saturday, to which other outlets agreed. “Look,Continue reading “Every LSU Beat Writer to be Late for Southern Press Conference”
Premier League to Have School Children on VAR Reviews
(LONDON, Eng.) – With the wave of VAR review debacles in recent matches, the Premier League have called the FIFA-sponsored officiating tactic of video review a “farce process” and believe change in the system is imminent. “Not only is this decision going to solve the VAR issue that’s been ongoing, but we expect it toContinue reading “Premier League to Have School Children on VAR Reviews”
New York Yankees to Require COVID Vaccine IV During Game
(Bronx, NY) – In an effort to keep the vaccine concept on the forefront of people’s minds, the New York Yankees announced new safety regulations for fans watching at Yankee Stadium. “We know a lot of these [vaccine] cards are being forged, and they’re making it through the gate,” Yankees President Randy Levine told TheContinue reading “New York Yankees to Require COVID Vaccine IV During Game”
NASCAR Announces They’re Spraying Fans for Insects, Not COVID-19
(DAYTONA BEACH, Fla.)—NASCAR has been known for its less-than-popular decisions among its drivers, and a rocky relationship with its fans as of late. But don’t think that’s going to stop the stockcar racing conglomerate from making quick changes in the face of criticism. “It had to be done. We’re seeing numbers from a Japanese boringContinue reading “NASCAR Announces They’re Spraying Fans for Insects, Not COVID-19”
Mike Krzyzewski Promises to Yell at “Everyone in the Arena” Ahead of Boston College Game
(DURHAM, N.C) – Duke Blue Devils men’s basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski came under scrutiny for his recent reaction toward the team’s student section. But don’t think that this recent incident has turned Coach K into a softy. “I’m really going to turn up the heat,” Krzyzewski told The Beet at an illegal dog fight inContinue reading “Mike Krzyzewski Promises to Yell at “Everyone in the Arena” Ahead of Boston College Game”
NCAA to Expand March Madness Basketball Tournament to 256 Teams
INDIANAPOLIS, Ind.—With expansion being a hot topic for several years now, the NCAA decided to make a move they believe is something that was “bound to happen in the future.” “We’re pleased to announce a level of inclusion that will see dollars go straight to our bank accounts in Bahrain,” NCAA President Mark Emmert toldContinue reading “NCAA to Expand March Madness Basketball Tournament to 256 Teams”
Rapid Reaction: LSU’s Joe Burrow to Play With Ruptured Spleen, Broken Skull
NEW ORLEANS, La.—LSU Tigers quarterback Joe Burrow had some noticeable trouble, but The Beet has learned that his injuries are slightly more enumerated. “He’s actually wearing dentures right now, they got ahold of him pretty good,” said an LSU team doctor who wished to remain anonymous. “They ruptured his spleen, broke a part of hisContinue reading “Rapid Reaction: LSU’s Joe Burrow to Play With Ruptured Spleen, Broken Skull”
Rapid Reaction: Trevor Lawrence’s Hair Loses Integrity in First Half
NEW ORLEANS, La.—Clemson Tigers star quarterback Trevor Lawrence is frustrated with giving up a lead, but the worst news was delivered via his publicist who was informed by his stylist. “It nearly looks like Trevor is using a wax-based conditioner, I don’t know what he’s thinking,” said Lawrence’s stylist who wished not to be identified.Continue reading “Rapid Reaction: Trevor Lawrence’s Hair Loses Integrity in First Half”
Kansas City Chiefs to Scan All Ticket Holders for Bad Luck
KANSAS CITY, Mo.—Kansas City Chiefs fans don’t have to worry about the bad luck bug striking before next week’s AFC Championship Game, as the team appears to be taking a proactive approach towards superstitious threats. “We’re going to have added security of course,” said Kansas City Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt. “But our main focus afterContinue reading “Kansas City Chiefs to Scan All Ticket Holders for Bad Luck”
The Beet 