(DAYTONA BEACH, Fla.)—NASCAR has been known for its less-than-popular decisions among its drivers, and a rocky relationship with its fans as of late.
But don’t think that’s going to stop the stockcar racing conglomerate from making quick changes in the face of criticism.
“It had to be done. We’re seeing numbers from a Japanese boring beetle that should make everyone uneasy,” said a NASCAR employee that refused to give his name, but was wearing a name tag that said Matt Humphrey.
NASCAR told a press pool earlier this week that they would be allowing fans to attend races, but that all fans would have to be seated and sprayed by trucks driving by.
Assuming that the measures were for COVID-19, Talladega Raceway began making literature saying just that, but were called and stopped by NASCAR executives that explained it would be for bugs.
“And we’ve really got a lot of people to thank for helping ensure the nation’s lumber supply will be saved,” said Humphrey. “We’re estimating 47 million tons of lumber will be saved, all because of our brave fans who are contractually willing—based on the user license agreement involved with the ticket—to receive a insignificantly measurable amount of DDT, all for the sake of safety.”
Humphrey refused to disclose just how much they were going to spray, but said, “Trust me, I wouldn’t want to be a rat at the track.”
He looked down, and then looked back up saying, “But don’t worry, our fans will be totally fine, they’re the best race fans in the world and you have to admire their commitment.”
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