Will Muschamp to Disclose Every Scripted Play Before Kentucky Game Next Season

(COLUMBIA, S. Car.) South Carolina Gamecocks football coach Will Muschamp had great success telling Cole Cubelic of SEC Network what he was going to do as soon as the half resumed this past Saturday. The success was viewed as so good by Muschamp that during his weekly staff meeting, the decision was made to approach Kentucky like this in general from now on.

“We’re going to set out a solid offense based on where we see our advantages the week before the game, work on that list all week during practice, and then see if I can get on either The [Paul] Finebaum Show or SportsCenter,” Muschamp told The Beet while he watched old videos of himself celebrating as defensive coordinator of the Texas Longhorns. Muschamp wouldn’t make eye contact during this time.

“Get on T.V. and let our great fans and alumni know exactly what we’re going to do to Kentucky,” Muschamp said.

When asked if he was worried that Kentucky fans, players and coaches mights tune in and watch, Muschamp nearly spit out a mouthful of the Mickey’s 40oz. he was actively chugging.

“Half of those people don’t even know what a television is, let alone have teeth. The idea that any damaging number of them could access cable television isn’t a factor,” Muschamp said chuckling.

Follow Dan Irwin, A.K.A. Obnoxious Mizzou Fan on Twitter.

Bill Self Charges Weekend Excursion, Hookers to Athletic Department Credit Cards

(LAWRENCE, Kan.) Bill Self may be going into some sort of psychological breakdown as a result of the NCAA investigation now coming to light involving the Kansas Jayhawks.

“It’s just not [expletive] fair,” Self told The Beet as he was hanging out by a homeless shelter near downtown Lawrence. “I’m the freaking victim in this. I’m pretty sure that was already established.”

Following the announcement of multiple level one violations by the NCAA, Kansas decided to force Snoop Dogg to play at Allen Fieldhouse in an effort make everyone forget what a cheating charade the whole University is.

This was followed by Self appearing as a suburban dad with his shirt tucked in to sweatpants, and insulting nearly everyone that loves him by wearing an Adidas shirt, and an oversized gold chain.

But this was nothing compared to the weekend Self had in Scottsdale recently. After punching a trans-gendered Girl Scout because of what Self called, “a raw cookie deal,” a police report obtained by The Beet indicates Self committed the following offenses, in chronological order, while staying at a Days Inn in Scottsdale over a two day period:

• Broke the television in his room after he couldn’t sync his Google Chromecast to the motel WiFi.

• Defecated on the counter of his bathroom.

• Harassed several other guests in the parking lot multiple times over wanting to purchase cocaine.

• Found drunk and passed out in vacant rooms.

• Calling the front desk angrily several times over the span of about an hour because he lost a dice game to a 12-year-old Lebanese girl.

• Requiring police response when he locked himself inside his room, sat in the bathroom and cried loudly, repeating that his father didn’t love him enough. Asked all staff to not tell anyone about the incident after it was over because he was “super drunk.”

• Requiring medical attention when a known prostitute in the area, Gwendolyn “Meat Curtains” Vasquez knocked Self out for alleged non-payment of a sexual act.

• Attempting to steal a candy bar from the kiosk by the front desk during check-out. Denial of theft attempt, even after camera footage shown of theft clearly taking place, then sits on floor for another thirty minutes claiming “Adidas basically paid for this room” and that his checkout time as a silver-level rewards member should be later than normal.

Self initially claimed he didn’t know what was going on with regard to the “small legal events” he encountered, but as our time near the homeless shelter went by, he became more direct.

“I didn’t hurt that hooker. I mean I could have, but I chose not to. She also chose to attack me, but as a gentleman I chose not to defend myself,” Self said.

Self looked more interested in finding someone that could roll a cigarette for him.

“That’s why I love this place,” Self said of the shelter. “There’s always someone that can roll a straight pinner. Not pregnant, doesn’t run.”

Regardless, it will now be up to Self to regain control of his program and enact some discipline. But his new ethnic lifestyle may be the thing that sends him out of Lawrence faster than he’d like.

Sick of Being Called Homer, Barrett Sallee Decides to Embrace Accusations

(ATHENS, Geo.) College football analyst Barrett Sallee is often fielding a long list of accusations from a fanbase whenever he makes a statement or has an opinion. But perhaps the most frequently levied charge against the CBS Sports writer is that he is a homer for the Georgia Bulldogs.

Fed up with the long-running insinuations, Sallee has decided to embrace the accusations, and just roll with the whole Georgia fandom idea.

“Honestly I can’t tell you how happy I am,” Sallee told The Beet in a private interview at a Bojangles booth in Lafayette, Georgia. “I mean I do love Georgia, but I’m really going to put the pedal to the floor at this point.”

Sallee made it clear he will still be covering all teams, but that he will only be reporting from the Georgia Bulldogs sideline.

“If they want to hear about Auburn or Alabama, great. Want to know about Oregon? I’ll get to that, too. But it’s all going to be delivered with a hint of red and black,” Sallee reiterated.

Follow Dan Irwin, A.K.A. Obnoxious Mizzou Fan on Twitter.