“Yuuup!” EA Sports to Make ‘2020 Curling’ Game with Jared Allen as Cover Athlete

(Stevens Point, Wisc.) – Former NFL star Jared Allen may not ever make the cover of Madden, but he secured the top honor in the world of curling by being named to the cover of EA Sports’ inaugural curling video game, Curling 2021 on Monday night.

The United States Curling Association voted unanimously to sponsor the game, paving the way for fans to get familiar with actual curling athletes, just like they would with other sports.

“Curling runs through my blood,” Allen told The Beet. “You throw a stone, I’ll show you how to smack into it.”

Allen has experience smacking into things with his two charges of resisting arrest and DUI while in college.

“Up north, we hit stones and we do it better than anyone you know,” Allen said.

“Since I left the NFL, I’ve been looking for a way to legally get stoned,” Allen said with a straight face. “I’ll be smoking stones down the ice, and I dare Canada to try and stop me.”

Allen’s accomplishment is one that he will look to duplicate next year.

Cardinals Josh Shaw to Turn Up NFL and Recreational Gambling

(Tempe, AZ) – Cardinals cornerback Josh Shaw may have been found in violation of the league’s gambling policy, but don’t plan on that stopping his love of the hustle anytime soon.

“Imma throw down bones, duckets, scrilla, and you can bet I’ll win the same,” Shaw told The Beet in a special interview outside of the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas. “I’m ready to take a bet anywhere, anytime.”

Shaw was suspended for the remainder of the 2019 season, but seemed to take it as a positive in full perspective.

“Now that I don’t have to mess with playing in these boring games or going to stupid practice, I can focus on the things that really matter,” Shaw said. “I’m trying to get it like Charles Barkley.”

We were on our way to meet Shaw for lunch and continue the interview, but he lost his car in a double-or-nothing bet playing dice out on the street.

Nevada Wolfpack to Have UFO Flyover to Finish Season Against UNLV

Some might say that the Nevada Wolfpack are perhaps embracing too much of a social stereotype, but that won’t stop a scheduled UFO flyover from happening over Mackay Stadium this Saturday.

“It’s something I think our fans and alumni deserve,” said a passionate Jay Norvell following an alumni luncheon. “We know they’re there, get ‘em out, get ‘em flying and maybe it’ll throw some intimidation at those punks from Vegas.”

The Wolfpack head football coach wasn’t shy about saying what the flyover would mean to the rivalry.

“They want to act like they’re the best at everything, and I’ve got news for them; it’s not 1990 anymore. We might just get the Air Force to have that UFO land on the field and be the spot of first contact. Top that,” Norvell said, throwing his arms up.

“Heck, they might broadcast the game to their home planet, in which case Wolfpack football will gain an intergalactic audience. We could be talking about Nevada being shown outside of the asteroid belt, and we’re pretty sure that ESPN doesn’t have a legal claim to galactic broadcast rights, so we could stand to make quite a bit of money.”

Kickoff for the game is scheduled for 12:00 noon local time.

MSU to Commemorate Elijah Moore Pissing Away Rebels Hopes With Statue

(Starkville, MISS.) – The Mississippi State Bulldogs announced on Friday that they would commemorate the ending of the 2019 Egg Bowl with a statue of Elijah Moore that will adorn the lawn outside of Davis Wade Stadium.

“The real irony is that as a member of the Ole Miss team, [Moore] pretended to be a dog, and really held his shoulders like a Bulldog,” Mississippi State Director of Athletics John Cohen said. “Great Bulldogs stick together and give each other props. That’s why we’re doing this statue. We see you, Elijah.”

Moore responded by saying he wouldn’t be intimidated with regard to what celebrations he chose to do.

“They can’t shut me down. I might go piss on every field across the SEC,” Moore said while dressed like Deon Sanders. “I might go to that blue field and see if a yellow puddle turns green.”

Cohen said the statue would go up in time for kickoff of the 2020 season.

NCAA Brings Out The Undertaker to Make Mizzou Appeal Announcement

(Indianapolis, IND.) – In a move that the NCAA defended as “completely necessary,” and “in no way associated with the hilarious tone of the penalties,” the NCAA brought out The Undertaker before Thanksgiving to help make the announcement regarding Mizzou’s Infractions appeal.

“We really just wanted to take a dump on the Mizzou fanbase before the holidays, and I think we nailed it,” NCAA President Mark Emmert told The Beet. “I mean we already stretched this announcement out for the whole season, it’s too good.”

The appearance of The Undertaker however, signaled the type of tone the NCAA was looking to convey to all of its member institutions.

“Anyone who cooperates with an NCAA investigation will be shown the true horror of their crime,” The Undertaker said. “They will Rest In Peace.”

When asked if the penalties were too harsh, Emmert replied, “Harsh? We could have shut them down. Made them pack it up. I have the power to make this whole thing disappear, you hear me?”

The announcement by the NCAA was met by a strong rebuttal from Mizzou, which of course was shit on and laughed at by the NCAA.

“Yeah we saw them cry about it,” Emmert said while at ‘The Neon Yellow River’, a new Asian male strip club two blocks from Market Square Arena. “Told one of the interns to tweet them back and bury them in legal jargon, the girl did a hell of a job. Not like these guys can do, though. Shinsuke over there can take you to heaven and he can score powder and hard.”

Mizzou now mulls what to do next, which essentially is taking the full force of the penalties. More to come.

John Madden Claims to be Haunted by Every Turducken He’s Ever Eaten

Celebrity good-guy John Madden gave some enthralling revelations prior to an NFL event recently.

“They see me in my dreams, on other people’s faces. I was watching the Hall-of-Fame Game and it was an offensive line of angry birds,” Madden told a group of media including The Beet. “They want revenge.”

Madden was asked about how many Turduckens he’s eaten in his lifetime.

“It’s not even about that,” he said. “I caused so many other people all over the world to make Turduckens, they kind of blame me for that.”

Madden even claims to have hired an African shaman in hopes of rebuking the spirits, but even his professional spirit men believe he may have crossed the line.

“I can’t even drive past a KFC or my wheels just come off the axels,” Madden said with a defeated tone. “You spend years eating a delicious meal, and it’ll come back to kill you.”

Bill Self Furious Snoop Dogg Left Him No Weed as Promised

(LAWRENCE, Kan.) University of Kansas basketball coach Bill Self had the public relations nightmare to deal with this past Friday night. And just when you thought that was the end, it’s taken a predictable turn at this point.

“It’s cool. I mean I only cried to him about my childhood on the phone, it’s not like we’re close or anything,” Self told a confused group of people sitting at a bar in Topeka. “All I did was give him everything.”

Self explained to The Beet that when arrangements had originally been made to bring Snoop Dogg in, he was able to communicate with him about a special arrangement.

“I grabbed the phone from Sheahon and was basically like ‘Look, bring me at least a zip,’ and he made it sound like it wouldn’t be a problem,” Self said. He refers to Director of Athletics Sheahon Zenger.

Snoop was apparently supposed to leave an ounce of Gorilla Glue for Self inside his office, but left Allen Fieldhouse without doing so or letting Self know.

“He went into the back and I couldn’t get into his area, he hired special security to cut me off. I could smell it, but he said he was out. I had to meet with my stupid team, and after that he was gone,” Self said fighting back tears.

Kansas faces major violations, and attempted to use the Snoop Dogg snow as a distraction. However, it more accurately served as a transparent representation of the program.

Will Muschamp to Disclose Every Scripted Play Before Kentucky Game Next Season

(COLUMBIA, S. Car.) South Carolina Gamecocks football coach Will Muschamp had great success telling Cole Cubelic of SEC Network what he was going to do as soon as the half resumed this past Saturday. The success was viewed as so good by Muschamp that during his weekly staff meeting, the decision was made to approach Kentucky like this in general from now on.

“We’re going to set out a solid offense based on where we see our advantages the week before the game, work on that list all week during practice, and then see if I can get on either The [Paul] Finebaum Show or SportsCenter,” Muschamp told The Beet while he watched old videos of himself celebrating as defensive coordinator of the Texas Longhorns. Muschamp wouldn’t make eye contact during this time.

“Get on T.V. and let our great fans and alumni know exactly what we’re going to do to Kentucky,” Muschamp said.

When asked if he was worried that Kentucky fans, players and coaches mights tune in and watch, Muschamp nearly spit out a mouthful of the Mickey’s 40oz. he was actively chugging.

“Half of those people don’t even know what a television is, let alone have teeth. The idea that any damaging number of them could access cable television isn’t a factor,” Muschamp said chuckling.

Follow Dan Irwin, A.K.A. Obnoxious Mizzou Fan on Twitter.

Bill Self Charges Weekend Excursion, Hookers to Athletic Department Credit Cards

(LAWRENCE, Kan.) Bill Self may be going into some sort of psychological breakdown as a result of the NCAA investigation now coming to light involving the Kansas Jayhawks.

“It’s just not [expletive] fair,” Self told The Beet as he was hanging out by a homeless shelter near downtown Lawrence. “I’m the freaking victim in this. I’m pretty sure that was already established.”

Following the announcement of multiple level one violations by the NCAA, Kansas decided to force Snoop Dogg to play at Allen Fieldhouse in an effort make everyone forget what a cheating charade the whole University is.

This was followed by Self appearing as a suburban dad with his shirt tucked in to sweatpants, and insulting nearly everyone that loves him by wearing an Adidas shirt, and an oversized gold chain.

But this was nothing compared to the weekend Self had in Scottsdale recently. After punching a trans-gendered Girl Scout because of what Self called, “a raw cookie deal,” a police report obtained by The Beet indicates Self committed the following offenses, in chronological order, while staying at a Days Inn in Scottsdale over a two day period:

• Broke the television in his room after he couldn’t sync his Google Chromecast to the motel WiFi.

• Defecated on the counter of his bathroom.

• Harassed several other guests in the parking lot multiple times over wanting to purchase cocaine.

• Found drunk and passed out in vacant rooms.

• Calling the front desk angrily several times over the span of about an hour because he lost a dice game to a 12-year-old Lebanese girl.

• Requiring police response when he locked himself inside his room, sat in the bathroom and cried loudly, repeating that his father didn’t love him enough. Asked all staff to not tell anyone about the incident after it was over because he was “super drunk.”

• Requiring medical attention when a known prostitute in the area, Gwendolyn “Meat Curtains” Vasquez knocked Self out for alleged non-payment of a sexual act.

• Attempting to steal a candy bar from the kiosk by the front desk during check-out. Denial of theft attempt, even after camera footage shown of theft clearly taking place, then sits on floor for another thirty minutes claiming “Adidas basically paid for this room” and that his checkout time as a silver-level rewards member should be later than normal.

Self initially claimed he didn’t know what was going on with regard to the “small legal events” he encountered, but as our time near the homeless shelter went by, he became more direct.

“I didn’t hurt that hooker. I mean I could have, but I chose not to. She also chose to attack me, but as a gentleman I chose not to defend myself,” Self said.

Self looked more interested in finding someone that could roll a cigarette for him.

“That’s why I love this place,” Self said of the shelter. “There’s always someone that can roll a straight pinner. Not pregnant, doesn’t run.”

Regardless, it will now be up to Self to regain control of his program and enact some discipline. But his new ethnic lifestyle may be the thing that sends him out of Lawrence faster than he’d like.

Sick of Being Called Homer, Barrett Sallee Decides to Embrace Accusations

(ATHENS, Geo.) College football analyst Barrett Sallee is often fielding a long list of accusations from a fanbase whenever he makes a statement or has an opinion. But perhaps the most frequently levied charge against the CBS Sports writer is that he is a homer for the Georgia Bulldogs.

Fed up with the long-running insinuations, Sallee has decided to embrace the accusations, and just roll with the whole Georgia fandom idea.

“Honestly I can’t tell you how happy I am,” Sallee told The Beet in a private interview at a Bojangles booth in Lafayette, Georgia. “I mean I do love Georgia, but I’m really going to put the pedal to the floor at this point.”

Sallee made it clear he will still be covering all teams, but that he will only be reporting from the Georgia Bulldogs sideline.

“If they want to hear about Auburn or Alabama, great. Want to know about Oregon? I’ll get to that, too. But it’s all going to be delivered with a hint of red and black,” Sallee reiterated.

Follow Dan Irwin, A.K.A. Obnoxious Mizzou Fan on Twitter.