Astros GM and Manager Awarded One-Year Vacation for Cheating

HOUSTON, Tex— Houston Astros General Manager Jeff Luhnow and coach A.J. Hinch might normally be trudging through the typical off-season motions that are associated with their responsibilities, but that all changed for them on Monday.

“I still can’t believe it,” Hinch said. “One year vacation? We’re still World Series Champions. I can’t wait to tell people all over the world that we are still number one.”

Luhnow and Hinch both spoke with The Beet at Sensia Studio & Japanese Day Spa during a body massage appointment.

“The problem with baseball right now is all the damn rules,” Luhnow said. “It was only a problem if you were getting caught, and that’s the thing now, these sons of bitches are pretty good at catching you cheating.”

Their absence from the team will be immediate, and what still remains uncertain as to how the team will be run for the 2020 season.

“I got one word for you, that’s ‘angles’,” Hinch said in between sipping from his cocktail during his body massage. “If we see you and you don’t see us, hard to call that cheating. We’ll take the next year to surf in Costa Rica and figure out the best plan for 2021.”

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Nick Saban Starts Recruiting Michigan Prospects During Citrus Bowl

Alabama Crimson Tide coach Nick Saban usually starts his recruiting activities quickly after the season ends, but this year it appears Saban is getting started even earlier.

“He wants to set up these satellite camps in Alabama,” Saban said of Michigan Wolverines coach Jim Harbaugh. “Cool. No problem. But out of the group they invited to the game, we feel like we’re going to hit our goal of projected flips.”

Indeed, Saban walked over to a section of potential Michigan recruits and offered them each gift bags that included cash and vintage issues of Playboy magazine.

“That’s a double win, gets all these old mags out of the bathroom at home and brings joy to recruits. Just look at them,” Saban said with pride.

Although Saban’s actions are a wild violation of rules, the NCAA made an immediate statement that there would be no sanctions, but that Missouri would be penalized an additional season.

“Tell Jim I said hello,” Saban told The Beet. “But if you forget, I’m sure I’ll see him trying to recruit next to me like a starving fisherman.”

We’ll see if Saban can get any commitments in the second half.

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Lynn Bowden Gets Ten KO’s Prior to Belk Bowl, Ready for IBF Title Match​

(CHARLOTTE, N.C.) – Kentucky Wildcats all-purpose man Lynn Bowden got a little scrappy with the Virginia Tech Hokies prior to the Belk Bowl on Tuesday.

Emotions boiled over when Bowden punched several players, fans and mascots just outside of the window where he could have been ejected from the game for doing so.

“I don’t care who they throw at me,” Bowden told The Beet while on the bench during the start of the second quarter. “I don’t care what they do, they’re gonna get knocked out.”

When asked how committed he was to this new premise, Bowden stared with a cold, empty look and said, “Oh I’m about to be the new Debo.”

Bowden knocked out a total of ten people, an SEC bowl record. These numbers have gotten the attention of the International Boxing Federation.

“I mean, he’s hot,” said IBF President Daryl Peoples. “He’s got great form, he’s in incredible physical condition as well. We want him to be prepared for a title bout soon.”

Bowden couldn’t bring his level of desire in boxing to the football field, as Kentucky currently trails Virginia Tech in the Belk Bowl.

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“Yuuup!” EA Sports to Make ‘2020 Curling’ Game with Jared Allen as Cover Athlete

(Stevens Point, Wisc.) – Former NFL star Jared Allen may not ever make the cover of Madden, but he secured the top honor in the world of curling by being named to the cover of EA Sports’ inaugural curling video game, Curling 2021 on Monday night.

The United States Curling Association voted unanimously to sponsor the game, paving the way for fans to get familiar with actual curling athletes, just like they would with other sports.

“Curling runs through my blood,” Allen told The Beet. “You throw a stone, I’ll show you how to smack into it.”

Allen has experience smacking into things with his two charges of resisting arrest and DUI while in college.

“Up north, we hit stones and we do it better than anyone you know,” Allen said.

“Since I left the NFL, I’ve been looking for a way to legally get stoned,” Allen said with a straight face. “I’ll be smoking stones down the ice, and I dare Canada to try and stop me.”

Allen’s accomplishment is one that he will look to duplicate next year.

Cardinals Josh Shaw to Turn Up NFL and Recreational Gambling

(Tempe, AZ) – Cardinals cornerback Josh Shaw may have been found in violation of the league’s gambling policy, but don’t plan on that stopping his love of the hustle anytime soon.

“Imma throw down bones, duckets, scrilla, and you can bet I’ll win the same,” Shaw told The Beet in a special interview outside of the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas. “I’m ready to take a bet anywhere, anytime.”

Shaw was suspended for the remainder of the 2019 season, but seemed to take it as a positive in full perspective.

“Now that I don’t have to mess with playing in these boring games or going to stupid practice, I can focus on the things that really matter,” Shaw said. “I’m trying to get it like Charles Barkley.”

We were on our way to meet Shaw for lunch and continue the interview, but he lost his car in a double-or-nothing bet playing dice out on the street.

Nevada Wolfpack to Have UFO Flyover to Finish Season Against UNLV

Some might say that the Nevada Wolfpack are perhaps embracing too much of a social stereotype, but that won’t stop a scheduled UFO flyover from happening over Mackay Stadium this Saturday.

“It’s something I think our fans and alumni deserve,” said a passionate Jay Norvell following an alumni luncheon. “We know they’re there, get ‘em out, get ‘em flying and maybe it’ll throw some intimidation at those punks from Vegas.”

The Wolfpack head football coach wasn’t shy about saying what the flyover would mean to the rivalry.

“They want to act like they’re the best at everything, and I’ve got news for them; it’s not 1990 anymore. We might just get the Air Force to have that UFO land on the field and be the spot of first contact. Top that,” Norvell said, throwing his arms up.

“Heck, they might broadcast the game to their home planet, in which case Wolfpack football will gain an intergalactic audience. We could be talking about Nevada being shown outside of the asteroid belt, and we’re pretty sure that ESPN doesn’t have a legal claim to galactic broadcast rights, so we could stand to make quite a bit of money.”

Kickoff for the game is scheduled for 12:00 noon local time.

MSU to Commemorate Elijah Moore Pissing Away Rebels Hopes With Statue

(Starkville, MISS.) – The Mississippi State Bulldogs announced on Friday that they would commemorate the ending of the 2019 Egg Bowl with a statue of Elijah Moore that will adorn the lawn outside of Davis Wade Stadium.

“The real irony is that as a member of the Ole Miss team, [Moore] pretended to be a dog, and really held his shoulders like a Bulldog,” Mississippi State Director of Athletics John Cohen said. “Great Bulldogs stick together and give each other props. That’s why we’re doing this statue. We see you, Elijah.”

Moore responded by saying he wouldn’t be intimidated with regard to what celebrations he chose to do.

“They can’t shut me down. I might go piss on every field across the SEC,” Moore said while dressed like Deon Sanders. “I might go to that blue field and see if a yellow puddle turns green.”

Cohen said the statue would go up in time for kickoff of the 2020 season.

NCAA Brings Out The Undertaker to Make Mizzou Appeal Announcement

(Indianapolis, IND.) – In a move that the NCAA defended as “completely necessary,” and “in no way associated with the hilarious tone of the penalties,” the NCAA brought out The Undertaker before Thanksgiving to help make the announcement regarding Mizzou’s Infractions appeal.

“We really just wanted to take a dump on the Mizzou fanbase before the holidays, and I think we nailed it,” NCAA President Mark Emmert told The Beet. “I mean we already stretched this announcement out for the whole season, it’s too good.”

The appearance of The Undertaker however, signaled the type of tone the NCAA was looking to convey to all of its member institutions.

“Anyone who cooperates with an NCAA investigation will be shown the true horror of their crime,” The Undertaker said. “They will Rest In Peace.”

When asked if the penalties were too harsh, Emmert replied, “Harsh? We could have shut them down. Made them pack it up. I have the power to make this whole thing disappear, you hear me?”

The announcement by the NCAA was met by a strong rebuttal from Mizzou, which of course was shit on and laughed at by the NCAA.

“Yeah we saw them cry about it,” Emmert said while at ‘The Neon Yellow River’, a new Asian male strip club two blocks from Market Square Arena. “Told one of the interns to tweet them back and bury them in legal jargon, the girl did a hell of a job. Not like these guys can do, though. Shinsuke over there can take you to heaven and he can score powder and hard.”

Mizzou now mulls what to do next, which essentially is taking the full force of the penalties. More to come.

John Madden Claims to be Haunted by Every Turducken He’s Ever Eaten

Celebrity good-guy John Madden gave some enthralling revelations prior to an NFL event recently.

“They see me in my dreams, on other people’s faces. I was watching the Hall-of-Fame Game and it was an offensive line of angry birds,” Madden told a group of media including The Beet. “They want revenge.”

Madden was asked about how many Turduckens he’s eaten in his lifetime.

“It’s not even about that,” he said. “I caused so many other people all over the world to make Turduckens, they kind of blame me for that.”

Madden even claims to have hired an African shaman in hopes of rebuking the spirits, but even his professional spirit men believe he may have crossed the line.

“I can’t even drive past a KFC or my wheels just come off the axels,” Madden said with a defeated tone. “You spend years eating a delicious meal, and it’ll come back to kill you.”

Bill Self Furious Snoop Dogg Left Him No Weed as Promised

(LAWRENCE, Kan.) University of Kansas basketball coach Bill Self had the public relations nightmare to deal with this past Friday night. And just when you thought that was the end, it’s taken a predictable turn at this point.

“It’s cool. I mean I only cried to him about my childhood on the phone, it’s not like we’re close or anything,” Self told a confused group of people sitting at a bar in Topeka. “All I did was give him everything.”

Self explained to The Beet that when arrangements had originally been made to bring Snoop Dogg in, he was able to communicate with him about a special arrangement.

“I grabbed the phone from Sheahon and was basically like ‘Look, bring me at least a zip,’ and he made it sound like it wouldn’t be a problem,” Self said. He refers to Director of Athletics Sheahon Zenger.

Snoop was apparently supposed to leave an ounce of Gorilla Glue for Self inside his office, but left Allen Fieldhouse without doing so or letting Self know.

“He went into the back and I couldn’t get into his area, he hired special security to cut me off. I could smell it, but he said he was out. I had to meet with my stupid team, and after that he was gone,” Self said fighting back tears.

Kansas faces major violations, and attempted to use the Snoop Dogg snow as a distraction. However, it more accurately served as a transparent representation of the program.